Saturday, December 1, 2012

Sometimes I can be a Real Jerk Face...

We all want friendships.  We pray for good friends, we pray for close friends, and we try to be a good friend to others.  But when it comes down to it, we so often are afraid of the intimacy, the vulnerability required to build a new friendship.

By we, I mean, me, of course, and I suspect that perhaps a few of you can relate.  But I realized that for me, when I realize that I have begun to care for someone, it sends almost like a panic through my veins.  Oh no, I am suddenly vulnerable to them...and what if I am too much or not enough, or what if they don't like me and they are only being polite.  Seriously, I am an adult woman - and my poor husband has to hear these concerns processed out loud. 

Recently I realized, that, even worse, in attempt to try to be casual, and not seem too excited (or lame) I sometimes inadvertently insult the person/people or try not to be as available to them.  Now realistically, if I'm them and this girl is insulting me and is aloof all the time - I'm not going to think she is very nice or dependable, so do I want to be friends with her? No.

The thing is that I like encouraging others, and those closest to me will tell you that they usually feel awesome around me because words of affirmation are my love language.  And I have to be careful to keep my priorities in order, because I have a tendency to drop everything when someone I care about needs help...I swoop, you know.  But that isn't always necessary.

Any way, but in fear I actually create a cycle where I push away the very people I care about because I'm afraid they won't like me, but they don't like me because I'm acting like a jerk face.  Ugh.

I just don't want to be used, you know?  You know!  Or as my sister and I like to say (thank you Tipper from "What Happens in Vegas") - "You know why!!!"

So I try to be cool, aloof, harsh, judgemental even, and you know what - it's ugly.  And it's even lamer than being really kind and considerate and getting walked over, because, let's call a spade a spade here - it's cowardice. 

But the truth is, when I trust that God loves me unconditionally, will never use me, will always uphold me in His mighty hand, and has got my back - then I'm free to just love others in a way that is truly loving, and let their response be their own. 

God does love us.  He loves you.  He'll never let you down.  And when you love others well, nomatter how they behave, you sow a seed of friendship that will reap a harvest more bountiful than you can imagine.

And fnally, I'll just go ahead and appologize to anyone I've kind of been a jerk-face to - I'm sorry I don't always know how to handle my insecurities, but God's working on me.  Please be patient.  There's a good heart in here (points to herself).  there's a good heart in there too (points to your heart).

Happy December 1 everyone!

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