Sunday, June 12, 2011

Late Night Wakeup Call

About a year ago, the emotional pain daily plaguing my life became too great a burden to bear and I began counseling.  I had been struggling with anxiety so great that I was literally vomiting daily, several times a day from the tightness in my chest, and had to take anti-anxiety medication just to function at the most basic level.  In retrospect, I had prayed for changes in my life for years, but I don't think the pain was great enough yet...I believe now that God allowed some truly painful seasons to push me to a point where change had to happen to survive.  Thankfully He also gave me a wonderful husband to support me and a beautiful daughter that gave me incredible drive to fight for my life, for our lives.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin


"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."
Anais Nin


Looking back at the changes God has made in my life through Christian therapy this past year is incredible.  You know, I have had an intimate relationship with our incredible God for most of my life, but the truth was that I hated myself (an incredible paradox).  I hated everything about me - I despised the face in the mirror, even a hint of fat on my body, everything about my personality....I could go on and on.  And I wanted to so desperately to love others around me well and to be a good friend, but I felt like I kept falling short.
The truth is that I couldn't love anyone because I didn't really accept God's love of me and I was heavily burdened by shame.  I am in no way pretending that I think I'm awesome now every day and that I have it all together...I don't, but God has done a pretty miraculous work in my life. 
It's the middle of the night, and I honestly have no idea why God is waking me to share this with you.  Maybe He's just testing me to see if I really mean what I say when I tell Him that I'll be real about who I am and where I've been and I won't pretend to have it all together.  It's tough to admit that I'm in therapy...sometimes there's fear of a stigma.  Maybe you are struggling with your own hurt and feel like this will be with you for the rest of your life...it's a lie from the enemy...he wants to keep you trapped so you can never become all that God has created you to be.  Maybe you are going through a season of change that seems painful...hold on, God might be doing His greatest work yet in you. 
Whatever the case...that's the truth.  I am a mess without Christ.  I am nothing without Him.  I am impulsive, anxious, and .... anyway, without allowing Him to bring to light some really painful things about myself and reliving some of my past, I would not have allowed Him to heal those things. 

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On another note, if you are in need of counsel and don't know where to start, I have a couple of suggestions.  Your church is usually an excellent resource for Christian counseling and may even provide a few free sessions and after that referral for more help.  Focus on the Family also has a link on their website to Christian counselors that you can find in your area...this was a great resource for me: http://referrals-loc.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/referrals_loc.cfg/php/loc/enduser/loc.php

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